Okay, Morty.
Maybe it’s just the vodka and the tranquilizers talking, b-b-but I think we’ve reached a critical moment in your D&D education. Y-y-you’ve internalized a lot of the key features, and you’re tingling with anticipation of the adventures to come.
That’s good, that’s real good. Now your grandpa Rick’s gonna blow your tiny mind and teach you the deepest and darkest part of D&D…
NONE OF THIS MATTERS.}
What?!
YEAH.
the rules don’t MEAN S***.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking,
“Why the hell did I just go through over sixty pages of dice and rolling and systems and spells and whatever else if none of it matters?! Why do millions of people play this weird nerdy game and invest themselves in it if none of it matters?!"
Y-y-your brain is focused on the game as it is, instead of the game as it could be, Morty. I-I-I told you at the start that D&D is a portal gun, and I meant that, even while I was taking potshots at Wizards of the Coast and their corporate overlord bean counters.
People don’t live heroic lives, Morty. They trudge through their feeble existence wishing they had some kind of b-b-b-BURP-bigger role in the universe.
That’s what D&D really is, Morty.
It’s a weird little place where everyone gets to gut goblins and blast bugbears and be kinda sorta awesome for a little while. Sometimes it’s weird and annoying but when it works, Morty, when it really works, and your players are putty in the palm of your hand—their hopes and dreams hanging on your every word and a roll of the dice….
That’s why we do this, get it?
You know I-I-I’m not a fan of bureaucracy o-o-or systems. I don’t do absolutes. Neither should you.
I can teach you D&D Rickth Edition and make it obvious what you should be doing, but in the end you’re gonna do it your own way. You’re gonna screw it all up and make a mess, and then start over and then screw it up in new and different ways.
Good.
Roll the dice. Get stupid.
entertain yourself. entertain your friends too.
THE REST DOESN’T MATTER.
The rest is just corporate branding and nostalgia, sucking face with nihilistic attention-seeking edgelords in search of the mighty dollar.
Yeah, I said it.
Truth bomb barruuuuurrrrp age!
Ready to see how a master crafts a memorable dungeoneering experience, Morty? Keep a hold of your butt cheeks and take a peek at the adventure book: